Is it wise to be friends with your Ex?

After posting my last blog, I received a couple emails from readers asking for advice pertaining to dealing with an ex boyfriend or girlfriend and moving on from that sort of attachment. Honestly, it baffled me to see how many people really do struggle with break- ups. Looking back on my past articles, I realised that I've written quite a bit on making relationships work and embracing your singleness, and not very much about break-ups. It's apparent that people have a genuine problem with getting over relationships, and some how assume that the best remedy is to maintain a friendship with the person you've been in love with. Obviously, everyone would have their opinion about this but I'm about to open your scope a bit because when you've been there and done that, it's damn time to move on.

Now I hope my literary tone doesn't come across harsh but I have to be honest because being in a state of denial after a break up, brings about disaster. I know all too well how this situation works because I've had a few break ups, most bad than mutual and believe it or not; I've dealt the lame line of "Can we still be friends?" on all occasions. The first time I heard that line, I had a bottle in my hand. Don't ask what I did with it, just know that there was no blood. It seems funny now but back then, I wasn't as wise. Any way, I'm trying to understand the reasoning of wanting to remain friends with the person who broke your heart? I mean, love can make people do stupid things but it should never allow you to make an ass of yourself and your integrity. The laws and reasoning of a relationship are simple and thankfully I've always kept a few things in the back of my head:

(i) No one can love me more than myself and God.

(ii) Always leave room in your heart for disappointment; therefore, don't invest too much of yourself until that person has earned your complete trust and proves that you're priority in their life.

(iii) Respect is earned and so are the perks of a relationship.

(iv) Be independent and confident at all times.

This may sound cliché and directed to women but men should actually do the same. Men should always establish relationship standards so as to find the right spouse and understand clearly what about them, completes him and what he can not put up with. Inculcating a thought pattern like that can make us less anxious about a break up and helps greatly in the recovery process. You see, we all have value and people measure our value by our integrity and the way we exhibit our worth. In the case of a break up and whatever the reason for it, remaining friends isn't wise and if you're friends with your 'Ex', it means that one or both of you are hanging on to a glimmer of hope to get back together. I'm going to make this even more clear because some people don't know what the word 'friend' means. Be reminded that one can be cordial with an 'Ex' and say "Hi" if you happen to pass them on the street or at an  event or even more important, if children are involved but calling to make small talk under the claim, "I still care", is utter BS.

This is a fact of life, people who care about you don't hurt you and the question of still being friends is an unintentional test of value, an insult and it pays to be smart in acknowledging that. Ask yourself the question, "... So I'm good enough to be friends with but not valuable enough to him or her to be in a relationship with?" That question will surely bring things into perspective for you. The only reason an 'Ex' wants to remain friends is because they see something so precious inside of you, that they can't see themselves living without. Never permit yourself to be anyone's 'Object'; you're a person, you deserve to be loved and cherished, not to someone's drive through when they feel the need for a 'Happy Meal'. They can go to McDonald's for that. My mother always says this to me, "Never return to your vomit, you'll only regurgitate on a vicious cycle". Definitely great advice.

I know that I sound like a pro at break- ups and admittedly, I am, because I know my worth and I know the assets I bring to the table. The next time your 'Ex' suggests that you remain friends, here's an appropriate response, "Don't worry, I won't consider you my ex, I'll consider you as a 'y'; as in why the hell did I date you in the first place?" Those are Kevin Hart's words, not mine!

Written by:

Drishna Gibson

Blogger & Author.